Twist of Time – Revisited

7 months into 2017, in the mid-week of January I was thinking that a big change was happening in my life. I had penned my experiences and feelings in my blog ‘Twist of Time’. A change that was happening after years of a dead dark silence growing inside me.

Come end of January 17, and my world crashed and fell into one of the darkest zones of times. If one reads my first blog on Twist of Time they will know that I was already anticipating a major change in my life. But little did I know that the change will leave such a deep dark wound on me.

It all came one after the other, crashing down like a house of cards. What intrigued me the most is the fact that my mind started playing strange games with me. When we speak of ill-health, 95% of the time we connect it with our physical health. Little do we consider the fact that it is also our mental health that can be affected by what is happening around us.

Our emotional, psychological, and social well-being affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices. And when the balance gets disturbed to handle this, we face mental disorders.

When I was touched at 6, again an experience I had penned down in one of my blogs, I was a complete stranger into the world of sexual abuse. How it left its mark and affected my mind was something I realized at a much more latter stage. At 42, out in the world alone, trying to fight a battle for my identity and dignity, I perhaps failed to realize that I am living in a male-dominated and patriarchal society.

Touched again. Sexually abused twice. This time at a workplace where I was looking after Public Relations & Marketing Communications. A place I came to work with a new hope after my long and fulfilling journey with one of Bengal’s leading publication house. The organization I joined in December, was a renowned brand and initially I was feeling that my communication skills were getting better with the job. At the same time, though my personal front was shaky, I was confident I will see through it.

The first time the ex-colleague touched me, I became numb. I remained stiff and evaded him and came out of the official premises. I should have and usually on other normal circumstances would have slapped him on his face but I don’t know what happened to me that I did not react for several days even after the incident. In fact, many times it did not even strike a chord inside me.

But I felt the unrest growing up inside me. Something was happening and I was unable to figure out what exactly it was. Being in this job role was not me. At least not in the hospitality industry being the PR for a group that claimed its authenticity for serving Bengali cuisine. The high-profile official parties I had to attend was not me.

The courtesy calls I had to attend at midnight was not me. Strange however, being in this job role for the first time in my career span of 15 years, my official relation with clients and organizations whom I used to deal with for various official purposes gave me my due respect and co-operated with me always. The people who harmed me the most were the people I was working with, in the same organization. Not all of them of course.

But time was playing games with me and before I understood, I collapsed one day. Hospitalized myself. Diagnosed with a nervous breakdown that triggered lungs infection, brain cells getting affected, so on and so forth.  Even then, I felt I would be fine with rest and treatment. The nervous breakdowns, the panic attacks, the trauma, the constant noises and faces inside my head, the pain..they still linger on like a ghostly shadow. They are not gone. Not yet. Not now.

The stark darkness went on for weeks and months, with me losing control of myself day by day. My mind grew into a puzzle-house and I became nothing less than a zombie.

The treatment, the counseling has helped a lot though. I found a wonderful human being as my counselor. Even today, the man helps me heal the wounds in more ways than one, but yet I feel I have a long way to go to bounce back to life.

A person I loved and choose to live my life with, someone with whom I had developed an estranged relationship over times, stood by my in this darkest hour. He pushed me to stand up and fight for my rights as a woman. When our relationship was falling apart, he was there to remind me of who I am and who I was. The fighter that I was, and someone that was dying inside me.

The fight was more about picking myself up from the internal fall rather than anything or anyone outside. The fight within myself is still on, and I am now just gliding along with time, as it takes me with its flow, heading towards an unknown destination.

If it is was not yesterday, does not mean it cannot be tomorrow. It can be today, it can be now. Its just about the twist of time.